to ride or not to ride?
i remember being about to hop on a roller coaster in one of the city’s amusement parks with a friend who convinced me to do so. i also remember backing out the second the ride personnel opened the small gate for us to enter the what-supposed-to-be “ride of my life.” my friend went with it, and i ended up holding his bag while he was going up and down there screaming his lungs out of utmost thrills, so he said when he got down.
i was in my usual excitement waiting for this week’s Weekly Photo Challenge’s theme while wandering the net Saturday night. the notification finally came in. and i didn’t know one word can be that much of a downer to me. love. that’s the theme. not surprising since february is setting in soon. i don’t hate the word. in fact, i adore it. and i know there are different kinds of it that i can focus my photograph on. but i would want to have something to say or capture about the romantic kind of it. the kind that terrifies me so. and i don’t have any yet to showcase it.
my love is miles away from being a physical realization. i’m not sure if i am already on this roller coaster. sometimes, my heart screams when i’m up there with him with all its thrills. sometimes too, it makes me wanna vomit, and cry, with its nauseating, neuron-crushing what-ifs and why-so. or maybe i’m still not totally riding it, and that i’m still debating whether to hop on it or not. fear. trust, the lack of. the banes of romantic love. especially if it’s the unconventional kind.
i just realized later on that i didn’t fully trust that person with me during the first (and probably, last) roller coaster ride i was supposed to have. that time, i was relatively new to the city, thrilled of having a new job that came with a new set of friends that accompanied me in most of my “firsts” after eloping from my traditional, provincial ways. while i enjoyed most part of it, i was still too cautious to let all my guards down. i guess because of that fear too, that i did not maintain a good friendship with most of those i made from my past work places. i was afraid to be too close to them because i fear of feeling bad in moments of inevitable goodbyes. and yeah, i also got lazy catching up.
and so, i did not participate in this week’s WordPress challenge. i will just be content browsing entries of lovely submissions about love and drool over candy-coated sights and words of romance. (here’s the first i saw, “The Story of Us,” from one of my favorite bloggers. she takes compelling photographs and presents intelligently-written posts. and in this link, http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/01/25/weekly-photo-challenge-love/, the rest of the entries.)
i’m not always afraid to do risky things. the roller coaster though is one feat i am yet to conquer. that, and committing to love… the real kind, where i am supposed to embrace all the cliche-ish ups and downs of it and where i am supposed to just let go and not be scared to have a heart attack. i will get there i know. i’ll try. like they say, die or die trying. or something like that.
for now, i would like to boast this one “fearless” thing i tried. again, a friend talked me into it. but i trusted her (and she is still one of my closest friends at present), so i hesitantly agreed with her persuading, on the condition that we will do it together side-by-side instead of doing it separately (and that i could curse her throughout the entire thing). ziplining. i wouldn’t do it again.