and so we begin with this.
hardly touching hands, barely hearing what we say. not caring at all.
but that smile? yes, mine. can you see?
and oh, my heart singing. scared you’ve been listening to all along.
i want you to hear, believe me.
but the present’s more stable, let’s just stay there.
and savor, freeze our moment.
for now, let me walk you to your dreams.
for i know when the right time comes, the right words shall flow.
i remember being about to hop on a roller coaster in one of the city’s amusement parks with a friend who convinced me to do so. i also remember backing out the second the ride personnel opened the small gate for us to enter the what-supposed-to-be “ride of my life.” my friend went with it, and i ended up holding his bag while he was going up and down there screaming his lungs out of utmost thrills, so he said when he got down.
i was in my usual excitement waiting for this week’s Weekly Photo Challenge’s theme while wandering the net Saturday night. the notification finally came in. and i didn’t know one word can be that much of a downer to me. love. that’s the theme. not surprising since february is setting in soon. i don’t hate the word. in fact, i adore it. and i know there are different kinds of it that i can focus my photograph on. but i would want to have something to say or capture about the romantic kind of it. the kind that terrifies me so. and i don’t have any yet to showcase it.
my love is miles away from being a physical realization. i’m not sure if i am already on this roller coaster. sometimes, my heart screams when i’m up there with him with all its thrills. sometimes too, it makes me wanna vomit, and cry, with its nauseating, neuron-crushing what-ifs and why-so. or maybe i’m still not totally riding it, and that i’m still debating whether to hop on it or not. fear. trust, the lack of. the banes of romantic love. especially if it’s the unconventional kind.
i just realized later on that i didn’t fully trust that person with me during the first (and probably, last) roller coaster ride i was supposed to have. that time, i was relatively new to the city, thrilled of having a new job that came with a new set of friends that accompanied me in most of my “firsts” after eloping from my traditional, provincial ways. while i enjoyed most part of it, i was still too cautious to let all my guards down. i guess because of that fear too, that i did not maintain a good friendship with most of those i made from my past work places. i was afraid to be too close to them because i fear of feeling bad in moments of inevitable goodbyes. and yeah, i also got lazy catching up.
and so, i did not participate in this week’s WordPress challenge. i will just be content browsing entries of lovely submissions about love and drool over candy-coated sights and words of romance. (here’s the first i saw, “The Story of Us,” from one of my favorite bloggers. she takes compelling photographs and presents intelligently-written posts. and in this link, http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/01/25/weekly-photo-challenge-love/, the rest of the entries.)
i’m not always afraid to do risky things. the roller coaster though is one feat i am yet to conquer. that, and committing to love… the real kind, where i am supposed to embrace all the cliche-ish ups and downs of it and where i am supposed to just let go and not be scared to have a heart attack. i will get there i know. i’ll try. like they say, die or die trying. or something like that.
for now, i would like to boast this one “fearless” thing i tried. again, a friend talked me into it. but i trusted her (and she is still one of my closest friends at present), so i hesitantly agreed with her persuading, on the condition that we will do it together side-by-side instead of doing it separately (and that i could curse her throughout the entire thing). ziplining. i wouldn’t do it again.
sometimes, i’m amazed of how i can get so proud and pushy about something in the first place i know is not really a big deal. not to mention, stupid. i am glad to be in an office that despite the imperfections (what office does not have anyways?), i can easily raise any concerns, feedback i have to my immediate superior. i was critiquing a file and i was irked by something i believed was wrong and i think i got a little into the extreme when i tried to insist it was wrong. the issue was so small that it is better not to say what it was. okay, i’ll tell. it was about whether the word “who” is an interrogative pronoun or a relative pronoun in one particular sentence. a few e-mails were sent back and forth, from me to the boss, and from the boss to me that discussed the issue (well, more e-mails from me, actually… pushy me). i was not really the type to usually insist myself even if i know i am right. i am usually nonchalant about things besides being generally quiet. but sometimes when ego strikes, it can change the person. some things probably factored in, like previous trust issues with the superior, conflicting personalities, and the belief that i could never be wrong with the concepts i know by heart having had the job for many years now. this instance could be very trivial i know, but it brought in one big wake-up call. the boss’s last e-mail about the matter kicked my unnecessary guts to where they should belong when she wrote, without a tone i know, that i should not worry much about it. i knew she was still anticipating a yet another aggressive assertion from me. but i gave up as soon as my eyes caught the word “worry” in the boss’s e-mail. yeah, i went way too assertive and worried about something too small, to the point that i might already be offensive, and that’s something i am not proud of. i was reminded that there are a lot more things to be worried and concerned about than that little grammar issue. funny how knowledge or mere information can get into someone’s head and make her forget the more important values she knows. i was swallowed by my ego and then, i was humbled. in regard to my superior, i might have doubted her acts sometimes but i never have doubted the fact that she was the right person in the position. but how do i recover from this self-humiliation? i hope writing “noted” in my last e-mail did it.
inside my box.
selena gomez and justin bieber. kristen stewart and rob pattinson. rihanna and cris brown. by now i know, you have already guessed the one thing common in these celebrity couples. yes, paparazzi, but besides that… love. or is it really love that they have? they hurt each other (emotional or physical), broke up, said hurtful things aimed toward one party or both, said their sorries, and now, got back together. all happy and so in love again like nothing ever happened. the question is… why do i care? no. the questions are: should i say sorry, too? should i accept the apology? should i also sing “we found love in a hopeless place”? arrghh. sometimes, i’m amazed of how i can not get proud and pushy with something i know from the beginning could be a big deal. not to mention, would make me happy. i hope i can finally get the tune of my song right, or better yet, get the right song already. i know, i am in my puzzle-tongue now. but trust me, i’m more confused than you. now, i should feel sorry for my current state. unfortunately, i am not. because i am more giddy. but still confused. i love this day. in a sarcastic tone, yes.