I didn’t know you then that much.
I was okay with waking up, heading to work, and going back home.
I was okay with routines. True, they weren’t very fun, but boredom wasn’t killing my sanity either.
I didn’t have to stress myself planning for anything, empty my pocket for something, and tire my feet for every distance I would have to take.
I was content with the little pleasures I got from television, songs, and hanging out with the usual people and things around me.
I was generally content with the life I knew.
In fact, I goaled to only finish school, get one job and stay in it till retirement age, maybe marry (or not) and have a daughter, and buy a house for my family and stay there until the day I- or we- die. For me, that was the ultimate dream.
But not anymore.
Because now you’re messing with my straight-ahead plan. After I tried you once, you’ve left me with this addiction. You’ve showed me that there’s more to sitting all day in front of a glaring monitor and aiming to own the recent gadgets being sold. Because you’ve awed me with the beauty of the different places you’ve taken me to and the identities they’re proud of. You’ve thrilled me with the means you took me to those destinations. And you’re teasing “More!”
You’re pushing me to leave my comfortable ways, the people I have to take care of, and the convenience of stable existence. You’re pushing me to go farther and explore further. You implant in me this desire, this rush for the risky uncertain. You’re making my brain and heart debate whether I should heed your tempting call, along with the contrasting anxiety and excitement you bring.
I know I couldn’t fully trust you. I know you could lead me to failures and worries and more fears. I know you have no promises of gold or diamonds. I know you only want me to test my courage, to furnish my faith, and to let go of what I am used to.
Honestly, I really don’t know what you’re up to.
But isn’t that what life is all about? Isn’t our being born to non-knowledge of what really life is the true mark of the fact that life should not be defined but should just be lived?
I don’t mean being reckless. Life should be a balance of experience and responsibility. Good values should never change despite a daring attitude toward life. And that is what I would want to engage myself into– to experience what living has to offer while being responsible and still value-full in doing so.
I don’t think I could still resist you for long. I am scared. But beyond that, I am hopeful. For life, for love, for finding my purpose, for my faith, and for living for the present.
I don’t intend to do you just for the heck of doing you. More than capturing our moments with a lens and having the “hey-i-was-here” shout-outs, I would want to learn more from you, the kind of lessons that would challenge the heart, my soul. I am readying myself now for you. Soon, I will totally embrace you. Because I would no longer suppress my capacity to fully live the life I’m blessed of.
Yes, fly me to the realms of your temptation.
“home. since they say, it is where the heart is, i’ll find my true home once i find my heart.”
not my home, or house. just some surviving house a little right across the space i occupy at present, which i also cannot sentimentally call ‘my home.’ in fact, i do not have any place or physical structure that i can call as such. although i did write a bit about my hometown (my mother’s, and where i spent a decade for education and a few years building a profession that i eventually left), i feel guilty sometimes calling it mine. although it doesn’t complain, i don’t think i still have the right to call it ‘my home’ for i am always somewhere else. in the last few years, i treat it as ‘my retreat house’ because i go there only if i need some, yes, retreating. but i do not have any resentment toward not having a home that i call mine. i like how i have transferred from one town, city, or house to another in my entire existence, and i am even itching right now to move again, if not only for the very cheap cost of the very small space i am currently renting in the very expensive city in this metro i’ve insisted myself into. my aunt was telling my mother that with my present salary, i could already afford to buy a house somewhere in the outskirts of the city. i did try already, but i didn’t continue even if it meant wasting some hard-earned money. i couldn’t commit to more than a year of relationship with a love interest, what makes me think i can for 20-25 years with a Realtor?
back to the house above (photo). it just interested me one lazy afternoon while looking by my room’s window railings. it is sandwiched between tall buildings and modern apartments (which i unfortunately wasn’t able to accurately capture because of the limits of my location), and as you can see, by scary electrical wirings (… calling MERALCO). not a long time ago, this kind of house is already the standard amongst the well-off in the philippines. right now though, it is just trying to survive. it may seem a little out-of-place considering its ‘neighbors,’ but it appears to still stay strong despite some parts being in tatters. and beautiful, i suppose, especially to the family it shelters, the one which calls it home.
Happy 2013! Boom!
I am glad 2013 has finally come. True, every new experience or a resolution for a better self and a better existence can be started any day of the year, but a new year brings MORE “ump” to it. 2012 was more than a good year for me (although i did not have my yearender post here on WP since i started only during the last quarter of last year and holidays got me very busy), and i
wish will work on making my 2013 even better.
Just like most people, i have a list that will serve as my checklist for this year, my “13”:
13. save and dispose– and i mean, really save. i admit i am never good at this. but a little each day will go a long way, right? and who knows, i might finally have the amount i need for my first dream trip: india! and then, dispose. throw away the unessential and unused objects in my box and all the negative emotions hidden underneath the “box.”
12. travel– this is part of almost everyone’s list. and just this early in the year, i am almost through in completing the itineraries of my first ‘big’ trip (hint: lion and building). excited. 😀
11. volunteer– this one’s scary for me. one, like i mentioned in one of my past posts, i can be socially awkward at times, and groups really scare me. but i want to defy that fear and limitation of mine. and of course, i want to take part in that responsibility of sharing oneself to others. this one i am really praying for to come true this year.
10. wordpress– yes, post more. although i am a beginner here and still exploring writing again, i hope to have more experiences to post about. i also hope to divert from being personal in my writing and instead, write more practical posts based on my own experiences that can help others who stumble upon my page (finally coming up with a 2013 project. will write about it in a separate post). and there’s more reason to do so. read number 9.
9. quit– i don’t smoke or drink, but yes, everyone has a habit they are eager to quit. i’ve quit facebook. and Gary’s post (http://thisawesomelife0918.wordpress.com/2012/12/27/good-riddance-facebook/) excellently sums up my reasons for quitting. and i’ve quit that one person who makes me feel happy at times but makes me feel miserable most of the time. crossed fingers. to both.
8. family– to beat last year’s record of going home and personally (as i don’t have facebook anymore) keep up with my close relatives and friends. and play with my kid cousins more.
7. move– can be to walk more often. or run, even inside the house. and maybe, move to another house (2 years is my maximum stay in one place; i’ve been in my current abode for a year and a half now). anything that entails moving. and moving on.
6. decide– to stay in the country or go abroad? invest on a property or be a nomad still? really hard, these ones.
5. something new– last year, i started a hobby of decorating my walls coming up with creative (?) images using post-its. i eventually stopped. walls are not my thing. i also started wordpress. so far, it’s making me happy journaling again. this year, will explore more on taking photos.
4. something old– restoring old good habits, hobbies, and interests (bookstore bum-ing, movies, walking, and riding a bus to unplanned destinations).
3. smile for me– just a simple project here on WP. taking photos of people.
2. repost– really good posts of people on WP and other sites. (so i wouldn’t miss much FB’s “like” and “share” buttons.)
1. blank– can be something life-altering. or something stupid or risky but would make me a better and happier person. or just something ordinary. i don’t know. i leave it blank for now.
To all of you who have similar goals, only the best wishes. As we started with “resolved,” only one word is what we all wish we can write at the end of our list 359 days from today: ACCOMPLISHED.
sometimes, i’m amazed of how i can get so proud and pushy about something in the first place i know is not really a big deal. not to mention, stupid. i am glad to be in an office that despite the imperfections (what office does not have anyways?), i can easily raise any concerns, feedback i have to my immediate superior. i was critiquing a file and i was irked by something i believed was wrong and i think i got a little into the extreme when i tried to insist it was wrong. the issue was so small that it is better not to say what it was. okay, i’ll tell. it was about whether the word “who” is an interrogative pronoun or a relative pronoun in one particular sentence. a few e-mails were sent back and forth, from me to the boss, and from the boss to me that discussed the issue (well, more e-mails from me, actually… pushy me). i was not really the type to usually insist myself even if i know i am right. i am usually nonchalant about things besides being generally quiet. but sometimes when ego strikes, it can change the person. some things probably factored in, like previous trust issues with the superior, conflicting personalities, and the belief that i could never be wrong with the concepts i know by heart having had the job for many years now. this instance could be very trivial i know, but it brought in one big wake-up call. the boss’s last e-mail about the matter kicked my unnecessary guts to where they should belong when she wrote, without a tone i know, that i should not worry much about it. i knew she was still anticipating a yet another aggressive assertion from me. but i gave up as soon as my eyes caught the word “worry” in the boss’s e-mail. yeah, i went way too assertive and worried about something too small, to the point that i might already be offensive, and that’s something i am not proud of. i was reminded that there are a lot more things to be worried and concerned about than that little grammar issue. funny how knowledge or mere information can get into someone’s head and make her forget the more important values she knows. i was swallowed by my ego and then, i was humbled. in regard to my superior, i might have doubted her acts sometimes but i never have doubted the fact that she was the right person in the position. but how do i recover from this self-humiliation? i hope writing “noted” in my last e-mail did it.
inside my box.
selena gomez and justin bieber. kristen stewart and rob pattinson. rihanna and cris brown. by now i know, you have already guessed the one thing common in these celebrity couples. yes, paparazzi, but besides that… love. or is it really love that they have? they hurt each other (emotional or physical), broke up, said hurtful things aimed toward one party or both, said their sorries, and now, got back together. all happy and so in love again like nothing ever happened. the question is… why do i care? no. the questions are: should i say sorry, too? should i accept the apology? should i also sing “we found love in a hopeless place”? arrghh. sometimes, i’m amazed of how i can not get proud and pushy with something i know from the beginning could be a big deal. not to mention, would make me happy. i hope i can finally get the tune of my song right, or better yet, get the right song already. i know, i am in my puzzle-tongue now. but trust me, i’m more confused than you. now, i should feel sorry for my current state. unfortunately, i am not. because i am more giddy. but still confused. i love this day. in a sarcastic tone, yes.
lately, i’ve noticed myself getting emotional.
i began this post with that statement to also warn you (yes, you, who have intentionally or accidentally gotten to this page) that, yeah, this is no different from the usual personal ramblings of some other rambly bloggers out there. so, if you do not want to divert from your good vibes, do not, as in do not, proceed. but if you still want to, thank you. for choosing to join me as i wallow in those emotions.
don’t get me wrong though. i don’t hate the universe. i may be socially awkward at times but i don’t hate people. i don’t smile much, but i giggle and laugh a lot. i stopped indulging myself in high-schoolish diaries after my first real heartbreak as a promise to myself that i will never again rant or grieve that way, or never again rant or grieve, period. what i just always tell myself is that there are people who are in deeper sadness or deeper poverty than i am in. not that i don’t sympathize but it’s a reminder that i don’t have much right to feel bad about myself. but we all know that emotions are stubborn. we will feel for the simple fact that we feel. and even if my occasional sorrow is none compared to the other problems the world has, it’s still not non-existent. i’m just trying to justify my being emotional lately and actually giving in to that.
i know i have a choice not to. i can do any activity that will require me to think of other things, to move, and to have fun. but even having fun stirs emotions up. not really crying. but usually, ending in that. happy or sad things, every little thing seems to poke my lacrimal gland. a co-worker and her newborn son. a predictable movie scene. a game-show contestant winning. an old woman asking for alms. and even those pesky kids in the street who want to grab the cold drink in my hand. worse, the emotions don’t choose a place when they attack. at my work station while trying to understand the English a grade-one-or-so student attempts to write. on the bus when i am standing and people pushing me in, brushing off my boobs and butt, and stepping on my foot. and even inside the restroom while trying to endure the not-to-be-mentioned kind of smell because one irresponsible fellow did not flush. but the worst place is in my little space called home because here, when emotions knock, i do not only let them in. i also entertain them by playing the how-i-met-your-mother episode where depressed Robin came home and Ted surprised her with the singing and dancing Christmas light display he had set up. i wish i had that, too. not Ted. the singing and dancing Christmas lights.
i know this emotional state i am in lately is really bad. i am not self-pitying; i am world-pitying. i would want to say i’m trying to be funny with that line, but i am not for right at this moment, it is creeping in again.
sure, i can blame it on PMS.
or maybe on the fact that i turn a year older today.