and so we begin with this.
hardly touching hands, barely hearing what we say. not caring at all.
but that smile? yes, mine. can you see?
and oh, my heart singing. scared you’ve been listening to all along.
i want you to hear, believe me.
but the present’s more stable, let’s just stay there.
and savor, freeze our moment.
for now, let me walk you to your dreams.
for i know when the right time comes, the right words shall flow.
Sometimes, you join them go up the trail unsure why you do it and what awaits you when you get there. There- somewhere unfamiliar, something that brings a sense of thrilling anxiety.
So, you go forward.
And what do you find?
Sometimes, nothing… or almost something, but then you’re not allowed to get to the beautiful part of that something. or at least, not yet.
So, you content yourself standing, viewing from afar, taking all bits of that beauty-from-afar that your limited 360 degree-view can get and hoping that that glimpse satisfies you enough. And you dare take a picture of it to savor that ‘I’m almost there’ or ‘I almost get it’ feeling. Even if it says, “No picture, please.”
Because you have to capture some reminder of your almost-glory. To remind you that even if you get somewhere, you know you still have to join the others and continue moving. forward.
I was actually reminded of the inspiring message of the book above (Stripe’s journey) when I learned this week’s photo challenge theme… the message that has always been a reminder for me to fear not, to not lose hope along the way, and to continue moving without stepping on anyone because somewhere someday, something beautiful awaits.
“home. since they say, it is where the heart is, i’ll find my true home once i find my heart.”
not my home, or house. just some surviving house a little right across the space i occupy at present, which i also cannot sentimentally call ‘my home.’ in fact, i do not have any place or physical structure that i can call as such. although i did write a bit about my hometown (my mother’s, and where i spent a decade for education and a few years building a profession that i eventually left), i feel guilty sometimes calling it mine. although it doesn’t complain, i don’t think i still have the right to call it ‘my home’ for i am always somewhere else. in the last few years, i treat it as ‘my retreat house’ because i go there only if i need some, yes, retreating. but i do not have any resentment toward not having a home that i call mine. i like how i have transferred from one town, city, or house to another in my entire existence, and i am even itching right now to move again, if not only for the very cheap cost of the very small space i am currently renting in the very expensive city in this metro i’ve insisted myself into. my aunt was telling my mother that with my present salary, i could already afford to buy a house somewhere in the outskirts of the city. i did try already, but i didn’t continue even if it meant wasting some hard-earned money. i couldn’t commit to more than a year of relationship with a love interest, what makes me think i can for 20-25 years with a Realtor?
back to the house above (photo). it just interested me one lazy afternoon while looking by my room’s window railings. it is sandwiched between tall buildings and modern apartments (which i unfortunately wasn’t able to accurately capture because of the limits of my location), and as you can see, by scary electrical wirings (… calling MERALCO). not a long time ago, this kind of house is already the standard amongst the well-off in the philippines. right now though, it is just trying to survive. it may seem a little out-of-place considering its ‘neighbors,’ but it appears to still stay strong despite some parts being in tatters. and beautiful, i suppose, especially to the family it shelters, the one which calls it home.
I am a fan of “accidental snaps.” I feel happy when I find out that I also have some in my Pictures files especially when I discover them long after the time I took those photos and I am just trying to remember the moments at the particular time I am browsing the collection. Here, I was supposed to take a photo of that bird in front of our tour van using my non-optical-zoom camera phone. I don’t know the name of the bird. Is it a crane? I’m not even sure what a crane looks like, and I’m too lazy to google it up right now. I also didn’t know the names of the other animals in the safari/zoo we visited in Thailand and felt so dumb when the kids behind our seats (fellow tourists) started naming each with utmost enthusiasm. What I know though is that this little lady’s sudden glance toward my camera is one of the most original ones that came out of my shots. Special. The shot and the little girl.
Other “unique” entries worth viewing:
the sea. you know that there’s more to the water, the blueness, the blue skies above the blue waters, the sound of the little waves, and the smell of salt. while the beauty is inviting, it is at the same time, frightening. especially when you are in the middle of it. if you think about it. you pray that you won’t be swallowed by it alive and that it sails you safely to your destination.
being thirty. being in the middle of one life span. you know that you can do anything now. for most, it spells fun- parties, drinks, sex, freedom. but you also know that there’s more to that. and that “more” spells work, uncertainties, and the ever threatening “future.” you have to start at this point, if you haven’t, to act and meet the expectations. a job, a family of your own, a smooth going-on. you know you can’t just pray that you’ll easily get to where you wanna be. and you know you have to sail your boat yourself because in the case of life, you would get swallowed to death if you did not do so. or worse, it would leave you alive and sink you into the depths of its emptiness. but sometimes, it is easier to resist all of that. why be pressured? why be concerned of what your life will turn out to be? why think?
as we’ve come to know, things have not much essence as they are. and we always seek for meaning, for something more beautiful our reality hides from us. sometimes, it’s scary to think. what if nothing’s really out there? but sometimes, it’s also our refuge. that beyond the boring or troubled existence lies a “heaven.”
sometimes though, it is easier to just close your eyes. sometimes, there is already too much to see that gives you too little to make you look beyond. and you just hope by the time you open your eyes, you would really see what your heart wishes to see.
Happy 2013! Boom!
I am glad 2013 has finally come. True, every new experience or a resolution for a better self and a better existence can be started any day of the year, but a new year brings MORE “ump” to it. 2012 was more than a good year for me (although i did not have my yearender post here on WP since i started only during the last quarter of last year and holidays got me very busy), and i
wish will work on making my 2013 even better.
Just like most people, i have a list that will serve as my checklist for this year, my “13”:
13. save and dispose– and i mean, really save. i admit i am never good at this. but a little each day will go a long way, right? and who knows, i might finally have the amount i need for my first dream trip: india! and then, dispose. throw away the unessential and unused objects in my box and all the negative emotions hidden underneath the “box.”
12. travel– this is part of almost everyone’s list. and just this early in the year, i am almost through in completing the itineraries of my first ‘big’ trip (hint: lion and building). excited. 😀
11. volunteer– this one’s scary for me. one, like i mentioned in one of my past posts, i can be socially awkward at times, and groups really scare me. but i want to defy that fear and limitation of mine. and of course, i want to take part in that responsibility of sharing oneself to others. this one i am really praying for to come true this year.
10. wordpress– yes, post more. although i am a beginner here and still exploring writing again, i hope to have more experiences to post about. i also hope to divert from being personal in my writing and instead, write more practical posts based on my own experiences that can help others who stumble upon my page (finally coming up with a 2013 project. will write about it in a separate post). and there’s more reason to do so. read number 9.
9. quit– i don’t smoke or drink, but yes, everyone has a habit they are eager to quit. i’ve quit facebook. and Gary’s post (http://thisawesomelife0918.wordpress.com/2012/12/27/good-riddance-facebook/) excellently sums up my reasons for quitting. and i’ve quit that one person who makes me feel happy at times but makes me feel miserable most of the time. crossed fingers. to both.
8. family– to beat last year’s record of going home and personally (as i don’t have facebook anymore) keep up with my close relatives and friends. and play with my kid cousins more.
7. move– can be to walk more often. or run, even inside the house. and maybe, move to another house (2 years is my maximum stay in one place; i’ve been in my current abode for a year and a half now). anything that entails moving. and moving on.
6. decide– to stay in the country or go abroad? invest on a property or be a nomad still? really hard, these ones.
5. something new– last year, i started a hobby of decorating my walls coming up with creative (?) images using post-its. i eventually stopped. walls are not my thing. i also started wordpress. so far, it’s making me happy journaling again. this year, will explore more on taking photos.
4. something old– restoring old good habits, hobbies, and interests (bookstore bum-ing, movies, walking, and riding a bus to unplanned destinations).
3. smile for me– just a simple project here on WP. taking photos of people.
2. repost– really good posts of people on WP and other sites. (so i wouldn’t miss much FB’s “like” and “share” buttons.)
1. blank– can be something life-altering. or something stupid or risky but would make me a better and happier person. or just something ordinary. i don’t know. i leave it blank for now.
To all of you who have similar goals, only the best wishes. As we started with “resolved,” only one word is what we all wish we can write at the end of our list 359 days from today: ACCOMPLISHED.
she cries like it’s the end of the world. boy, she cries. she sets everyone in the house in panic once she does it. i sometimes think she does it intentionally to test who in the house will race to her first to try to pacify her. she always wins it anyways. once we give the thing that we think she needs or wants, she brings out that..that tricky tooth-less smile or giggle or laugh that sets everyone in the house in craze adoring and patronizing what she’s doing.
i can’t endure a baby’s cry. but seeing her like that, post-tears and all, makes me forget that fact and hope that someday, i will also hold my own delicate one that will forever warm my delicate heart.
one, or make that two… two of of the boons of living in the city are going to your home province and traveling far doing so. in my case, doing both takes eight hours of butt-burning, leg-cramping, and body-freezing sit-down inside a bus. but i’m not really complaining. i prefer the bus actually. i can say that that is the third advantage of living in the city. a trip by bus is a “vacation” in itself. or more like, a retreat. i get to be literally speechless (except when some fellow dares to chit-chat with me and if he or she gets carried away, will narrate his/her entire life story, or when i’m luckier, meet someone who can make my trip “sweet”; but that’s a different story and not for this time). i don’t put earphones to deafen myself with my usual music, but instead, embrace those played on the bus (michael learns to rock, air supply, hotel california, and freddie aguilar- a local artist, a great one- and they are on the repeat, too; music with lyrics i have come to memorize because of my trips like these). and i get to do a lot of self-evaluation, which is always part of my journey home.
my trip last weekend beat my record last year of having only two visits to the province. unfortunately, the approaching christmas holiday is not really a holiday for my work, so the trip was also our pre-christmas celebration. good thing i do not have any more homesickness issues (but there’s always a serious reason every time i come home, and family better not know each; being with them overcomes whatever “reason” it is). my family is still always excited though to learn that i’m coming with the hope that i finally bring a guy along. they never quit with that. and of course, they’re excited for my pasalubong (any food or items brought home for the people who are awaiting the arrival; in our place, a box of biscuits is an infamous pasalubong).
being away for quite a long time makes me appreciate home more. fresh breeze. colder temperature. the greeneries. old reading materials, old photos, and old writings. mama’s food. and the best thing, family, which includes a set of its own– the bickering, the when-are-you-having-your-own-family interrogations, the stories that were told before and told again, but somehow still sound new, nanay’s (grandma) amazing strength being 90+, and just the mere presence of each other.
suddenly, things that were ordinary or were of less value before become special and are seen with a different perspective. i can say that some of the things i saw touring other places are also available in our own place, in our own backyard, and even inside our house. i don’t renounce going on trips to other places because that’s a different experience altogether and a different set of learnings. but traveling home the weekend that passed opened my eyes to things i didn’t give close attention to during the days that i was living here.
i am no photographer, and photos below might just be plain and simple. but they made me happy. and that’s the simple reason why i came home.
first morning of december. by the sea.
strolling. and church (been a while).
no other pictures of the good food i enjoyed. here are random ones though.
so, here’s what i think should be my subject if ever i pursue being a photo hobbyist. with a more legit and expensive (cough, cough) camera. (credits to my cousin Ling’s caring hands in growing such lovely flowers.)
and of course, my homies.
home? check. now, i’m all set for the world… or maybe, just some other places around here. :p
and thanks to you who have just spared me with precious time bearing with my “clicks” viewing all of them (i know, they might be too many already, but i couldn’t help posting all). would love to get a peek of your own “home,” too, or of any of your travels (better if with the sea). can’t wait. 🙂
green will always be associated with nature. it will always be of plants and leaves and of hills and rain forests. with all the advocacy for healthy and organic living at present, green is surely leading the race ahead of all the other colors. i like green more than the color in my name (you know, pink?). green is just stable, calm, and does not seem to seek any attention but you can feel her presence. i think i would have been more grateful to my parents if they had named me “green” or “greeny.” it would have been an odd name, but i would have surely avoided side-comments like “huh, you don’t actually look your name” everytime i need to introduce myself. although i have overcome that sometimes-cruel fact the color in my name brings, i have still pursued to be green. one of my frustrations is being a green thumb. my mother, grandmother, aunts, and cousins are, and even my brother is. i, on the other hand, just don’t know how to grow a single plant. when one of my officemates left the company, she left me with her bonsai plant. i was hesitant at first to accept the responsibility since i was scared that it would just die in my hands. telling me that i would just need to make sure there’s water in the pot, she eventually convinced me. i was somehow excited though to keep Sab (the plant’s name, which is short for “sabog,” the Tagalog slang for “messy” for the plant’s messy leaves) alive having that adage in mind from that Sandra Bullock movie saying that if one can keep a plant alive for some time, then he or she can get a pet, and if that pet stays in good health, too, then the person can already get a boyfriend or a girlfriend. so, i just looked at having Sab as my attempt on the first step. almost three years has passed and i still have Sab in my life. i never tried my hand though on a pet. maybe skipping on the second step is the reason why the third thing, the “boyfriend,” didn’t work out. anyways, since Sab’s good health has boosted my confidence that i can somehow take care of another being that has life (and as my first step of moving on from that “boyfriend” failure), i decided one day to have another bonsai plant. this time, it was to stay with me at home because Sab was with me in the office. unfortunately, it was a different case. i always forgot to check if she still has water, i sometimes dropped her when i got stuff near her, and i just seemed to forget that she was existing since i wasn’t seeing her often. this action, or non-action, of mine made her lose the stones in her pot and her once many leaves and twigs. i have thought many times of just disposing her to cover up my humiliation and failure and because i’m not sure anymore whether she will still survive or not. but she has managed to hang on, barely standing on her few stones. i also decided to hang on to her, and see where this will lead us both. she might die eventually, but i know at least, i didn’t give her up by putting her inside the garbage bag. i decided to take Sab home to be with her. i’m hoping that Sab would share her vigor with her and help me keep her alive. and i’ve just realized now i haven’t given this little green a name yet. any suggestion?
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