lately, i’ve noticed myself getting emotional.
i began this post with that statement to also warn you (yes, you, who have intentionally or accidentally gotten to this page) that, yeah, this is no different from the usual personal ramblings of some other rambly bloggers out there. so, if you do not want to divert from your good vibes, do not, as in do not, proceed. but if you still want to, thank you. for choosing to join me as i wallow in those emotions.
don’t get me wrong though. i don’t hate the universe. i may be socially awkward at times but i don’t hate people. i don’t smile much, but i giggle and laugh a lot. i stopped indulging myself in high-schoolish diaries after my first real heartbreak as a promise to myself that i will never again rant or grieve that way, or never again rant or grieve, period. what i just always tell myself is that there are people who are in deeper sadness or deeper poverty than i am in. not that i don’t sympathize but it’s a reminder that i don’t have much right to feel bad about myself. but we all know that emotions are stubborn. we will feel for the simple fact that we feel. and even if my occasional sorrow is none compared to the other problems the world has, it’s still not non-existent. i’m just trying to justify my being emotional lately and actually giving in to that.
i know i have a choice not to. i can do any activity that will require me to think of other things, to move, and to have fun. but even having fun stirs emotions up. not really crying. but usually, ending in that. happy or sad things, every little thing seems to poke my lacrimal gland. a co-worker and her newborn son. a predictable movie scene. a game-show contestant winning. an old woman asking for alms. and even those pesky kids in the street who want to grab the cold drink in my hand. worse, the emotions don’t choose a place when they attack. at my work station while trying to understand the English a grade-one-or-so student attempts to write. on the bus when i am standing and people pushing me in, brushing off my boobs and butt, and stepping on my foot. and even inside the restroom while trying to endure the not-to-be-mentioned kind of smell because one irresponsible fellow did not flush. but the worst place is in my little space called home because here, when emotions knock, i do not only let them in. i also entertain them by playing the how-i-met-your-mother episode where depressed Robin came home and Ted surprised her with the singing and dancing Christmas light display he had set up. i wish i had that, too. not Ted. the singing and dancing Christmas lights.
i know this emotional state i am in lately is really bad. i am not self-pitying; i am world-pitying. i would want to say i’m trying to be funny with that line, but i am not for right at this moment, it is creeping in again.
sure, i can blame it on PMS.
or maybe on the fact that i turn a year older today.
I WISH I WERE sleeping now, but no, i have to write my first DP challenge post. when i received the e-mail for this week’s prompt, many different ideas rushed through my mind. surely, there were a lot of wishes or unreal situations that were fighting to be the focus of my yet another creative attempt to imprint my cyberself. i thought to try to be creative with this one, but i’ve just decided to ramble… like what i’m doing now.
the phrase “I Wish I Were” is actually close to my heart. almost every week, i encounter this in my job checking essays of students who are writing based on given if-i-were situations (i hope mentioning that doesn’t mean breaking my company’s confidentiality clause i signed…i will just wish my boss WOULD not come across this). checking the students’ work also includes checking a little of their grammar, and this i-wish-i-were expression in their conditional statements is also one of their difficulties. that’s why when i read Erica’s brief background of the expression, i had a small i-can-relate smile. i cannot help myself though inquiring about the other expression “i wish i was.” in my work, we actually don’t consider this as a grammar error as it was discussed to us that it is commonly used now. i got the notion that when words are used by many, then they become generally accepted, therefore, not grammatically wrong. But anyone who has a higher knowledge of the English language can correct me anytime, and i would really appreciate it because I also want to have clarity on that topic (hello, Erica. :)), not that i don’t believe our trainor and plan to make changes in our system. i just want to know more.
and that’s also one of the reasons why i’ve joined WP: to know more about others’ ideas, see others’ worlds, see others’ lives, and not just to write about what i think or feel when i have the urge. being new in this blogsphere seems to be a challenge but proves to be satisfying, too. the challenge part is in getting the kick to write, in being creative so others will care enough to spare me their precious time (who doesn’t want to be read, liked, or commented about? we all do, right?), and yes, grammar. and oh, the typos, too. although i know it’s “the thought that counts” and although i’m tolerant of others’ mistakes, still i cannot bear having my own in those aspects. if in case i have, then, i can just say we all make mistakes, as long as they’re not all over the place. i haven’t encountered poorly written, grammar-wise, entries though in my two weeks of exploring WP. i almost forgot the “satisfying” part. of course, it is being able to “release” both your goodies and shit in the world and feel good about yourself especially when others “like” and sympathize. never mind the “i WISH i HAD a cool camera that can take cool pictures,” or the “i WISH i COULD travel there,” or even the “i WISH i OWNED this or that” subconscious monologues. because i know they were not really wishes but “attainables.”
and so, yeah, i wish i were sleeping now. but only because i have to get up early tomorrow. besides, my dreams these days have not been that satisfying (will not delve on this matter), so why hit the sack? the only thing i really WISH now is that i WOULD not hit the snooze button tomorrow morning and sleep again. :p
i have been wandering the net for quite some time now. created some blog accounts here and there. some were with in-spur-of the moment scribbles; some were left empty. most of them were probably deleted already due to inactivity. and i hardly remember my log-in IDs, much more the passwords. and so, why have this now? i know wordpress is one of the (if not the most) mainstreamblogsites. this is also the reason i opted for less-known blog sites before. i don’t want to go mainstream. not that i boast of a talent so unique and great. but there’s something in me that resisted ‘the popular.’ admittedly, i am traditional. for long, i resisted the net. i just used to resist everything that means change. what ironic is my life has been full of changes. it did not turn out to be as what i had planned of just staying in one place. but this site is not really to highlight my life because in the first place, there’s not much to write about it. yes, my life would fall into the boring category of the present-day definition of life compared to the royal highnesses of the facebook and twitter world. and so, again, why have this? a co-worker and i had this conversation of how the adage “everything changes” becomes more real when you have come to terms with the fact that you are already an adult. and i have come to terms with it. i have to accept that there is a big world not out there, but here. so why not embrace it? by having this site, the purpose is not to get discovered, but to discover. i’m willing to discover more now and share more what little i have in my box. i’m sure there’s at least one person out there not very different from me who might be interested. this is for that person. or if there’s really no one, then this is for myself. selfish as this may sound but this i guess is the most selfish fact of life: in this life, we aim to please only our own self. bad deeds or good deeds, they’re done to boost our self-worth. and before i go all philo here, i’m going to end now my first hurray to imprinting my cyber self with the hope that i will not be lazy with my next. cheers! (to me!)